Star Wars Dating Advice

Objectively seen, Star Wars may be the greatest film franchise of all time.

But sometimes you have to wonder what we poor nerds are actually learning from these great classics. I recently watched both of the trilogies again, and some of the romantic elements are, uh, questionable to say the least. Particularly cringe-worthy is the whole relationship between the angsty teen Anakin and the cradle-snatching Padme. So without further ado, let the analysis begin!

1. Terrible pick-up lines

Now, there are some fantastic Star Wars pick-up lines (“Baby, I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.” “You’re the Obi Wan for me.”) but unfortunately,  none of them are from the movies themselves. Instead, we have these gems. Cue Anakin:

“Now that I’m with you again, I’m in agony. My heart is beating, hoping that that kiss will not become a scar.” The only scarring is happening to the innocent movie-goers.

“I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me.” I have heard that crippling emotional neediness is a huge turn-on for women. Or was it a turn-off? I think the latter.

“ARE YOU AN ANGEL???” (One can hear the extra question marks) Granted, Anakin is only a child, but if you’re trying to hit on an adult Natalie Portman, you gotta step up your game, son.

“Love won’t save you Padme, only my new powers will do that.” Now, I love a good narcissistic rant as much as the next man, but no amount of good looks is going to compensate for a line like that.

And my personal favourite: “I’m not afraid to die. I’ve been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.” anakin

 

2. Han Flying Solo

Now, Han is quite the opposite of Anakin. Charming, dangerous, and a person who shoots first (don’t listen to George!), Han Solo is the ultimate dashing scoundrel. Even though he has a walking carpet for a wingman, one gets the distinct impression that Solo is quite the ladykiller. After taking a shine to the lovely Princess Leia, he makes it his life’s goal to win her over, whether she likes it or not. We eventually see how effective his tactic is: Darth Vader is about to imprison Han in carbonite, a process which will at best see Han shipped off to his greatest enemy or even killed. As he is being lowered, Leia cries out, “Han, I love you!” Han looks her in the eye and says, “I know.”

han

Nice.

 

As a role-model, I would take Han over Anakin any day. But Han’s aggressive courtship succeeds because he possesses that which most sci-fi fans lack: charm and good looks. (Hey I’m one of you.) No woman is going to be happy with some creep trying to force her into kissing him. And nowadays trying to charm your way into a corridor kiss is a guaranteed slap. Or a sexual harassment lawsuit. Or both.

3. Questionable family relations

While Game of Thrones has been making huge strides in popularizing brother/sister romantic relations, the overwhelming consensus is surprisingly still AGAINST INCEST.

kiss

Be as shocked as Han

So, Leia kissing Luke is definitely not For The Twin(cest). If there is one thing to take away from Star Ways, even more so than not turning to the Dark Side and ruining the galaxy, it is this: Do not kiss your siblings.

Granted, they did not know at the time that they were related, but modern technology allows us to skip this awkward situation. Iceland has a mobile app called IslendingaApp which allows two users to run an incest check when they first meet. As one grateful user replied, “If I’d had this app earlier, maybe I would not go home with my aunt.”

 

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