The Analects of Master Nodrem-The Wisdom of Modern Times

The Master said: “Blessed are those who reply upon reading your message- These are the hope of humanity.”

Apprentice Li asked the master: “I was invited to a party with no clear host; how should I introduce myself?” The Master said: “Behold! It is the task of those present to welcome he who arrives, and it is the task of he who leaves to say goodbye individually. So is balance maintained.” Apprentice Li then asked: “And what is the role of the host?” The Master said: “As it is written: A guest may come and a guest may go, yet the host is left with the dishes.”

The Master asked his students: “Is there anything worse than inquiring of one with bad breath? He will soon be as avoided as the second page of search results.”

The Master said: “It is only a fool who is willing to pay full price for pre-ordering! The market flows like the Great River: one minute high and another low. Thus great sales come to those who wait.” Apprentice Xi remarked: “But Master! Are we not currently waiting in line for Fallout 4?” The Master said angrily: “Bethesda is an exception!”

The Master was welcome everywhere for his wisdom, his grace, his friendliness, and because he always brought beer.

At a gathering of people, the Master called a student aside and remarked: “Notice the constellations of people and how they group according to nature. At the beginning the people arrive slowly- one person speaks and all listen. But if more than 10 people are gathered the conversation is dissolved- like birds on the wing they split into groups of 2, 3, and 4. They will also always congregate in doorways and get in everyone’s way. It is what makes us human.”

The Master said: “When telling an awkward story privately at a gathering, beware the sudden silence.”

The Master said: “When the party is boring, there are those who look to their phones for entertainment. But maybe they find the party so boring because they cannot wait to escape to their phones?”

The Master said: “Do not confuse knowledge for wisdom- the biggest problems cannot be solved with facts alone.”

The Master said: “As a single log can block a whole river, so does one idiot block the entire sidewalk.”

The Master said: “Exercise caution when using printers for they were designed by the wicked. Their ink is more expensive than the finest champagne, and they lie in wait to malfunction on those in stress.”

The Master said: “There exists a direct correlation between the number of inspirational quotes posted and how annoying a person seems to be.”

The Master said: “No matter how wise I become, I will never understand why someone would shave their eyebrows only to draw new ones.”

The Master said: “There are two dates you need to get to know your partner- hiking to see the real nature and swimming to see the real face.”

The Master said: “It is good to question why something surprises you, but even better to question why it does not.”

A recently rejected man was decrying his luck with the ladies. The Master shook his head. “Such a one! The woman he courts cannot win. For if she is not interested, she is an ice princess. If she is eager, then she is too easy. And if she already has a partner, then is a flirt.”

The Master said: “Is there not anything more creepy than someone who comments on a 5-year old photo on Facebook? Beware the stalking, my students. It may lead to very unsubtle interactions.”

The Master said: “Do not post wisdom- live it.”

The Master said: “It is said there is joy in waking before the sunrise- such a person has never tried sleeping late.”

The Engineer decided to visit the Master. He took pride in his technology: “Behold Master Nodrem! 200 years ago flight was a fairy tale, communication a myth, and a books were only of paper. Now even our children are able to send pictures across the world.” The Master replied: “You are correct, Engineer, but just because we understand something, does not mean it is any less magical.”

The Master said: “What is the Way? Offering a small part of your energy to secure greater good.”

The Master was able to sleep at will. A student asked him how he accomplished this. The Master replied: “An adult is never truly rested; he merely ignores his weariness. By summoning your inner exhaustion, one is able to sleep at any time.”

The Master said: “The Way demands that we strive to improve ourselves through knowledge. I struggled long to learn boring subjects before I realized: There are no boring subjects, only boring teachers. One does not need to find every subject interesting, one need only find someone who does.”

The Master was watching a couple with a selfie stick. He said: “They are so focussed on fitting themselves into the world that they neglect to fit the world into themselves.”

The Master said with a smile: “Ah teenagers and their woes- is there anything more tortured on Earth? But regardless of objective measures, is there anything that feels worse? Do not be hasty to dismiss the feelings of others.”

The Master asked his students: “What evil would you remove from the world?” The first, Li, said: “I would force the rich to take care of the ppor, and give the poor opportunity to earn it.” The second, Xi, said: “I would remove all falseness beyond that which is polite.” The Master was thoughtful and considered long before answering: “These are all noble ideals. But has anything caused the human race more pain than the repeated collisions between toes and furniture? That is where I would start.”

The Master said: “Truth lies in wisdom, but not all wisdom in truth- there are things worth believing regardless of veracity. How much more the things which can neither be proven nor denied?”

 

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